Love, Sex, Etc.

Dear Nikol,

I am a 24-year-old male. A few years ago I was in a long relationship that was far from enjoyable. I stayed in it much longer than I should have simply because it was my first long-term relationship, and I didn’t know any better. To make a long story short, the woman was very manipulative, bossy and our libidos did not sync up at all. I wanted sex far more often than she did, and she would seldom allow it, even lash out when I tried to initiate it. Eventually I took the advice Dan Savage often prescribes in the acronym DTMFA; I Dumped The Mother F***** Already. One of the best choices I ever made.

Now I am in a relationship with a wonderful, WONDERFUL woman who is sweet and caring. And sexually she is very accommodating. We have sex often and it is great. Here is the problem: no matter how much I dislike my ex, I can’t help having a strong sexual attraction to her. Even now I will sometimes fantasize about sexual encounters I had with her, the few that she would allow. Thinking about these encounters gets me really hot; and I say that to my shame. I have thought about this a lot and I think for whatever reason, I am sexually attracted to her because she treated me like dirt, and because her sex was often times refused. The sex with my current girlfriend is great, better than the sex with my mean ex and yet I find myself often fantasizing and craving the sex I had with my ex and not the sex I have with my current girlfriend.

Now I realize the stupidity of that, and I acknowledge that it is an irrational and unhealthy feeling to have. If I could make this go away, I would in a heart beat. I love my girlfriend with all my heart, and I will never leave her; in fact I am certain that someday in the future we’ll walk down the aisle together. Knowing that I will never act of these illogical impulses, is there any way to curb them? Is there a way to channel these feelings so that my girlfriend becomes the focus of all my sexual desire? I want my ex to be exactly where she should be; out of my mind just like she is out of my life.

Thank you.

Hating Irrational Cravings

Dear HIC,

Haha. You’re a closeted submissive. Rather than flip out over your fantasies about the woman who treated you like dirt, think instead about your closed-minded feelings on sexual fantasy in the first place.

All sorts of things turn

people on, many seeming to stem from power. People tend to either fantasize about loss or gain of power in some sense or another. Those fantasies are carried out in a number of ways and they are completely natural. Quite often that daydream exists to deal with the opposite personality traits that are present in some area of your life. You happen to be with a woman now who is “accommodating,” which I have to tell you right now is one of the least sexy sounding words to describe someone I have heard. You are happier with your new woman, but because she is so permissive, you think about the end of the spectrum you are missing.

It also seems that you like feeling ashamed, which is on par with someone who gets aroused when they think of someone withholding sex and treating them like dirt. The more that you mentally beat yourself up over thinking about your ex in a naughty way, the more often this fantasy will probably come up for you. Catholics and overeaters go through the same cycle, only with sin and Mallomars.

You need to change your thinking, but not in the way you believe you need to. There is a huge difference between thinking about your ex and other sexual situations and acting on those things. Unless we’ve entered some new Orwellian era where our every thought defines us and is written in LED across our foreheads, your thoughts are completely safe and not some indicator that you are a crappy boyfriend.

If you find that these desires are overwhelming to the point that you just can’t cope with them, I have another, bolder suggestion. You see yourself walking down a flowery aisle and “I Do”-ing it with this girl one day, which must mean that you two communicate openly with each other. After all, nobody gets married unless they are completely able to speak with the other person, right?

Why not ask your accommodating new girlfriend if she would accommodate in the bedroom by “topping” you a little. You don’t have to go full-blown flogging, but she could resist a little and add a bit of mean talk. This would take that perfect person for you to the very next level, filling your needs both in and out of the bedroom.

And the best news about that? Every time you think of your good-for-nothing ex you can laugh and laugh because you have found someone who doesn’t have to treat you like crap. Unless you want them to.

-Nikol

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Questions?

If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.