Love, Sex, Etc.

Dear Nikol,

I met this man a few years ago at an art gallery thing. He was there with a totally hot guy and I was trying to hit on the hot guy, but the dorky one who has no social skills was trying to be debonair until his girlfriend of several years stepped up and said hello. I got his hot buddy’s number and we all went out a few times, but became friends. I can stand this guy in small doses, but he’s one of those supernerds with the horrible laughs that’s like being stabbed in the ear with a knife made of geeks.

So that was a few years ago. I went on to get married (very briefly). A few months ago the dork and I became single at the same time. He suggested we get together and talk to each other – break up buddies or something. Well, I lost my job around the same time. Our mutual friends own a gallery, so they were nice and hired me.

I think he thinks we’re going to end up together, or that we’re similar. I think he’s gross, but would never be so mean as to say that. Anyway, after I started working at the gallery, guess who else decided to get a job there? Now that we work together, my disgust for him grows. He thinks we’re best friends. He leaves a comment after every single thing I say on Facebook, which makes even my close friends ask what’s up with us. He annoys me by making it so that he is there for every meeting I have with our bosses. He always goes to lunch at the same time, asking, “Where shall we dine today, m’lady?” He calls me when we aren’t at work. I wouldn’t be shocked if he was hiding in my closet while I’m sleeping. He’s nice. Very nice. And I would feel bad being rude. But he makes my skin crawl. What do I do?

- My Wits End

Dear Wits End,

Oh. You have a friend/stalker. Nice. That sucks. Those are worse than stranger/stalkers because you can’t just call the cops, nor would you be justified doing so. The cops would be like, “So, he commented on your Facebook post? Did he threaten you?” and you would be like, “No, he just liked it that I ate at Taco Johns and commented that he also ate there.”

Okay, well first things first. Let’s clean up your side of the street. Understand that, sugar, I know what it’s like. I’m not accusing you of deserving any of the pestering when I say this, but you need to stop being nice to this guy. Stop completely. Being rude or flat out mean isn’t necessary yet, but you do

need to be cold. Talk to your boss about how important it is to you that your meetings be private. When it’s time for lunch, if the guy follows tell him that you’d prefer to spend lunches alone to decompress. Do not let him pester you into it by saying crap like, “Oh, I need to decompress, too. Let’s go some place quiet and just sit in silence.” When he calls, don’t answer. If he texts, don’t reply.

As for this Facebook thing, I’m glad you brought this up. I call that “Pissing on the Facebook Hydrant.” It drives me bonkers. The only reason anyone has for visiting your page often enough to comment on every single update is that they are obsessing. Maybe they keep their friend feed on all the time and you post a lot, but even your best pals don’t comment on everything. When a person does the constant comment thing, they are trying to broadcast to your world that they are close to you. They want everyone to see how they know all there is to know about your day and not only that, they are a part of it enough to banter with you. It implies intimacy. Of course, your friends think something is up, and that’s just what this guy wants them to think because he wants something to be up.

Unless you remove him from your friends, there is nothing you can do. The unfriending may cause more drama than you want, though, so I’d just go with giving him the cold shoulder and hoping it changes his commenting frequency.

This isn’t some rom-com where the girl and her best buddy live through a break up together and learn along the way that the love they needed was right before their eyes. You two aren’t going to mop the gallery one night and fall into each other’s arms, then almost kiss, then nervously straighten your clothes and run home.

People crave love, though, and this guy seems to think there’s a spark. Sadly, sometimes it’s not enough to just put some water on that spark. Sometimes you need to spray it with a pressure hose, beat it, tear it up, eat it and digest it. So, if the ice queen treatment doesn’t send the message, you may need to sit him down and tell him that he makes you sick. It’ll make stuff awkward for you and mutual friends, and work will be weird, so we’ll hope it doesn’t come to that.

And to all of you Facebook Hydrant Pissers out there, knock it off. Do your stalking on Foursquare, where it belongs.


- Nikol

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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected