Dear Nikol,
What is an acceptable amount of time to begin the physical part of a relationship? I have been dating a guy I really like for over 3 weeks and so far nothing. He is super sweet and possibly inexperienced. We are only holding hands, hugging, kissing goodnight. I am glad he didn’t follow the 4th date rule, but I am ready for more.
-Ready for Action
Dear Ready for Action,
I was naively unaware that there was a fourth date rule, so it looks like I learned something useful. Now if I am ever back in the game I'll totally wait ‘til the fourth date to demand some action.
The acceptable amount of time to wait to get physical is whenever you're both ready. When teens ask me this question I usually recommend that they figure out the basics first. Are you on birth control? Have you discussed sex with your boyfriend at all? Do you know what his moral stance is on sex? Do you know if he has had any sexual issues in the past that he still needs to work out? What about you? Have you told him how you feel about sex?
It already sounds like you are of the opinion that the man should be the one to make the first move, but you don't know if he was raised to believe that the woman should. A lot of guys these days have been told over and over again that they need to be so respectful of a woman that they don't even try to put the moves on her until she sends a very clear message
that she is ready. Even then, some guys are so afraid of stepping over the boundary line that they practically need an engraved invitation from your vagina to come near it.Then there are other factors, like fear of rejection or body image and performance issues. If he is inexperienced he may be afraid that he won't be able to satisfy you. I blame porn and daytime television for this one. How many women clutching coffee cups and bitching to their gals about small penises and lackluster sex do men need to see before they start wondering if they'll be the subject of such conversations? Porn, which shows ginormous dongs always ready for action, can be as much of a worry for men as it is for women who see perfect boobs and moaning blondes in impossible heels.
So if you're past the point of being ready for this nice guy to get sexy already, it's time to start talking. I haven't even brought up the 30 other things that may be keeping your boy at bay, and the only way you will figure out what the hold up on the put out could be is to ask some questions. When you're dating someone and getting to know them properly you discuss everything from their family to their taste in music. Sex is not an off limits thing to discuss at this time.
And let this be a valuable read for all of you super respectful men out there. Women like sex, too.
-Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
3 Comments
A lot of guys these days have been told over and over again that they need to be so respectful of a woman that they don't even try to put the moves on her until she sends a very clear message...
Excellent Point, Nikol. Maybe I'm just ahead of my time but this was how I was in my 20s, more than two decades ago, with anyone I felt serious about. Was very goofy, I'm sure, and probably some women wondered (mistakenly) what was wrong with them because I was so cautious.
And yes, if you can't talk about sex with someone you have no business having sex with him or her!
Yes, let us please do away with "rules" or guidelines such as the "x"th date rule (I've heard 4th, 3rd, 2nd, 10th and every other possible number combination). The only legitimate guide is consent between the two (or more) parties.
The presumption of certain actions due to cultural myths about the supposed significance of a certain number of dates (or weeks, or months) puts undue pressure on both parties and paves the way for sexual assault better we should teach sexuality in a way that fosters positive, empowered, consensual, and fun intimacy.
- sm
men stopping rape, inc.
madison, wi
http://www.men-stopping-rape.org
http://twitter.com/menstoppingrape
~ a valuable part of the movement to end sexual violence since 1983 ~
I would like to add that being "physical" does not necessarily have to be just about "sex" in the biblical sense of the word... You could certainly start by adding a little more heat to that goodnight kiss. It seems like there is a lot of ground to cover in this relationship before actual sex.